Waving the White Flag

It's only Thursday, and I already hate this week with the strength of a million horses.

I try hard to keep my spirits up whenever crap gets thrown my way, but sometimes, it's not so easy. I have a terrible tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, so there are times when the stress gets to be too much and my feelings are a little too hurt, and I collapse in a heap of sweat pants, ice cream, and tears on my couch. This is one of those times.

I've written before about how my life isn't all cupcakes and rainbows, and no, I'm not trying to get sympathy. I know I'm not the only one who faces challenges and has crappy days/weeks/months/years, but sometimes when my emotions run this high, I feel all alone. 

This week has shoved me on my ass so many times, my tailbone is starting to hurt.

But, I know that things will get better. I know that my family and I will get through anything that comes our way as long as we stay strong and have faith. However, with that being sad, I'm bowing out. This week has won this battle. I'm packing my underoos and running for the hills while yelling, "Retreat, retreat!"

But know this universe, next week? I'm back with a vengeance, and your tail is mine. Next week, I'm kicking ass and taking names, and my white flag will be nowhere in sight. Let this be your warning.

Sorry for the vague post y'all, but I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head, and I wanted to let everyone know why I've been a bit MIA this week. I'll be back to my normal self come Monday! 

X's and O's 

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

The topic has been going around the blogosphere for a little while now, but yesterday, when I read Mackenzie's and Meg's lists about what they're afraid to tell their readers, I knew I wanted to join in! The point of this is to make our readers see that we aren't perfect, not that I assumed y'all think I am! There are so many bloggers who seem to have the perfect life where nothing ever goes wrong or falls out of place. My life is nothing like that. Hence, the name of my blog. I've written a little before about the reality that is my life, but I've never gone into detail, because I've been too scared to write about it. So, today I'm biting the bit, and going for it. Here's what I'm afraid to tell you.

{via}

I struggle with just how much information I should share with my readers.

I'm terrified of someone coming across my blog, and for one reason or another, decide to track my family and I down. I mean, let's be honest, it's not that hard in today's world. But, I like sharing my life with y'all. My blog gives me a place where I can open up and express my feelings, and you guys are there to offer great advice, or just listen. But, there's always that voice in the back of my mind that keeps nagging about a crazy stalker finding my home. So, I find myself debating on what I should and shouldn't write about.

I constantly worry about never achieving anything great in my life.

This is something I've struggled with my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I have worked my tail off to make others proud of me. And even though I know I have made wonderful achievements in my life, it's still not enough, and I'm not sure it will ever be. This is why I push so hard when it comes to my event planning company. I want it to be a huge success. Not for monetary reasons, but simply for the knowledge that it is an achievement. 

I think my child is the cutest child ever. Yes, that means I think she's cuter than yours.

I'm not saying I don't think other children are adorable, but, in my opinion, mine is much more adorable. There will never be another child as beautiful as mine. Although, I would never say that aloud to anyone.

Speaking of children, I don't want anymore. I'm done, finished, stick a fork in me.

I don't think I've talked about this before, but the reason that I only want one child is because I know, without a doubt in my mind, that I will never love another child as much as I love M. Now, when I've told people this, they've rolled their eyes and said that I think that now, but once a second one came along, it wouldn't be true. But I know it would be. See, I wanted three kids, but the minute they laid M in my arms, I knew that was it. My love for her filled my heart, and there was no more room for any other children. I would never want a child of mine to feel like I loved their sibling more than I loved them, so I'm sticking with one.

My marriage has almost fallen apart.

B and I are not perfect. We fight like cats and dogs, and we always have. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else (aside from M, that's a different type of love), but at the same time, there have been times when I have hated him with the strength of a thousand horses. Whatever that means. There have been a few times when I have walked out. There have been a few times when he has done the same. It has gotten so bad, there have been a couple of times where I actually thought about divorcing him. But I've always come back. The good times always outweigh the bad. He is the love of my life, and always will be. Even during the times that I absolutely hate him, I still love him.

I have suffered from depression.

This is a big one for me. Obviously it's nothing to be ashamed of, because it's quite common, but I can't help but be embarrassed. I like to be in control of things, my life included, and when I'm depressed, I have no control over myself. I get lazy, exhausted, emotional, and temperamental. Thankfully I have never been in a severe depression, but I know that based on my family's history with it, there's always a chance.

I am a Republican, and didn't vote for our current president.

I have never been one to bash someone else for their beliefs, I'm a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. You love our current president? That's fine with me, however, I don't. I don't feel that he's made any big changes like he promised, and I feel like it's time to stop blaming the previous president. With that being said, I wasn't too crazy about our previous president, and I'm not too crazy about the Republican nominee for this year. Bottom line, I really don't care what political party you belong to, and it shouldn't be a big difference what political party I belong to. What matters is what type of person you are. And, even though I'm a Republican, I still support same sex marriage and Planned Parenthood.

So, there you have it. There are the main things I'm afraid to tell y'all. To some they may not seem that major, but they are to me. Hopefully y'all still love me! If you do a post like this, please let me know, I'd love to read it!

What are you afraid to tell us?

A Bunch of Crazies

Well, here we are.
Black Friday.
Did you venture out into the cold this morning to join the mobs of people at the department stores? Maybe you've been out since midnight? Or, even worse, ten o'clock last night?
For the record, if you did, I think you're bat shit crazy.

Crazy Bishes
Now, listen, I love y'all. I really, really do. But there is no way in hell I would have spent my Thanksgiving night running through a store like a kid hyped up on pixie sticks. That just ain't happenin. And I love the warmth of my bed waaaay too much to get up at 2 in the morning just to hit up Target for the "It": toy of the season. I'm all for saving money, but that's just crazy to me. So, unless you spent all of last night in the comfort of your bed, (or maybe someone else's, I'm not judging!) then I think you are certifiable.
With that being said, let it be known that come Cyber Monday, my clicking finger is ready to fire!
I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving!

Today Is The Day

Tonight I will make a trip to Austin. I will join B for a night of good food and most likely, good sangria. 
We will sit in a venue with dozens of other people, watching a movie I've been waiting a long time for. 
Yes, that's right.
We're going to see Breaking Dawn.

Source: breakingdawnmovie.org via Amanda on Pinterest

Excited does not begin to describe my feelings about this.
I know, we're a little late, seeing as how it premiered nearly a week ago, but we're both really busy, and this is the first chance we have had to go see it! So, we're just going to act like it's opening night, m'kay?
Now, should I run out and buy a Twilight shirt before I leave, or is that too over the top??

In the Words of The Fresh Prince, Mind Ya Business

First of all, please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers this:

He-larry-ous.

Anyvajazzle, on to what this post is really about.....

Friends, we have a spy among us. Someone is reading my blog and blabbing my business to other people. And by other people, I mean my family. Now, here's the thing, I'm not ashamed of my blog. My mom and the hubs both know about my little corner of the interwebz. But, I consider this to be my sanctuary. This is my safe haven, the place where I can escape my world, if only for a minute, to clear my head. And honestly, I don't care who sees this blog. But what bothers me is when someone uses something of mine against me. When someone twists something that I've said or done and distorts it to where it makes me look bad.

Anyone who reads my blog can read all about my night out on the town  last Saturday night. I have nothing to hide. I went out without the hubs because he was working. But he knew where I was going and who I was with. I talked to him quite a bit that night. My mom babysat Baby Butterbean for me, so she knows everything as well. Basically, some people have been led to believe that I was out whoring around. Or something of the sort.

Let it be known that at least a dozen people can vouch for my actions that night. 

Here's what I'm getting at. I don't like gossip. I don't like people gossiping about other people for their own personal wealth. But, if you're going to do it, talk about something worth talking about. Don't make up shit. And damn sure don't hide behind it. If you have something to say about someone, let it be known that you're saying it. 

I'm fairly certain that anyone who has any interest in my blog is a grown ass adult. So act like one. This is not high school, this is the real world. Have a little self respect and stop trying to make others look bad. It's really no one's business what I do except for myself and my husband. I live my own life, pay my own bills, and mind my own damned business. And everyone else should as well. Because before you go throwing stones, maybe you should look around at your glass house.

How About We Work On Not Being An Asshole?

First off, let me say, sorry I haven't been around lately. I'm up to my neck planning Baby Butterbean's birthday party (it's on Saturday y'all, hold me. Oh, and check back next week for pics!) and I've been extremely sick to boot. But, I had the urge to blog tonight because I've got to get something off of my chest.

A few months ago, a friend of mine (you know who you are, and hopefully you don't mind that I'm talking about this!) came up with an excellent idea. She shared this idea with me, and a few other people on twitter. Then, to make a long story short, one of the other people basically hijacked my friend's idea and passed it off as her own. An "idea plagiarist," if you will.

Now, let's pause for a minute, and let me say, the reason that I'm being so vague about this is because I, in no way, have any right to speak up about this. It's not my place to say something to the idea plagiarist, seeing as how it wasn't my idea in the first place. And, if I went into detail about what my friend's idea was, it could possibly tip off the other person because they also read my blog.

Now, when I first met this other person, it was incredibly clear that she took herself too seriously. I felt like she looked down on me because I was some small time blogger with a handful of followers, while she was some internet superstar. She was all about business and I felt like she met people with the sole intention of getting blogging material. Like I was auditioning to be a character in her writing. Am I making any sense to y'all? Let's just say that my first impressions weren't all that great. But, as we all know, I don't hide the fact that I can be a bitch, so I decided to calm my mean girl side down, and give her another chance. 

Since our first encounter, my opinion hasn't really changed. 

So, in the last few weeks she has taken my friend's idea and ran with it. Leaving the impression that she came up with it, and giving absolutely no credit to my friend. Now, here's the thing, my friend is an insanely sweet person. I don't think it's possible to not like her. We've talked about this whole ordeal frequently, and, to put it in her words, she "decided to take the high road" and not say anything to the other person. I have to say, I really respect her for this. I would have handled this entirely different. It's taking everything I've got not to say something now. Or at least call her a fake bitch. But, I just couldn't keep quiet any longer. I may not be able to say anything to the person directly, but I can at least put my opinions in print. That's the whole reason for having a blog, right?

Here's the bottom line, don't be an asshat. Give credit where credit is due and don't step on people just because you think you're more popular than they are. You may have more blog followers, but I promise you, that person that you treated like shit is a better person than you are. And I'd rather be her friend any day.

How The Hell Do They Do It

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about this whole "unplugging" thing that everyone seems to do every now and then. Mostly because the hubs has been bitching about how much time I spend reading blogs and tweeting scanning the CNN website. He says we don't "spend any time together" and that I should "put down the laptop and watch Criminal Minds." Apparently sitting on opposite ends of the couch and silently watching tv is spending time together and if I have my nose stuck in the laptop I'm messing it up. Whatevs. He just doesn't get that I can blog, tweet, watch tv, eat hot wings, drink wine, and converse with him, all at the same time. I'm a mom, dude, I can multi-task like no one's business.

Anyvajazzle, like I said, it's really had me thinking about taking an hour or two a day and stepping away from anything technological. Just to, you know, re-group, or whatever.

And then? I realized I was talking all crazy and that I should probably see someone for that.

There's no way on God's green earth that I could do that. I would have withdraws after the first 30 minutes!! I mean, I could go a day or two without reading any blogs, but go without twitter? Not a snowball's chance in hell. My iphone is pretty much attached to my hand, and I'm checking twitter at least every 15 minutes. I have to stay in the know. I'm not 100% sure what I did before I twitter came into my life.

So, until scientists can find some way to filter tweets straight from the site into my brain, you can bet your ass that I won't be "unplugging" from it anytime soon!

Now I'm off to check twitter, I haven't refreshed it in seven minutes and I've probably missed some pretty important tweets! 

Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

When we first moved to this podunk little Texas town, I surveyed the scenery and determined that this town was half white trash and half non-white trash. And oddly enough, everyone was sort of mingled in with everyone else. There were nice houses right next door to run down houses and no one seemed to mind. 

Mind you, I'm not used to this, so of course I turned up my nose at our neighbors who had bedsheets for curtains. I make no apologies for being a bitch sometimes.

Anyvajazzle, we have mainly kept to ourselves since moving here in April. We've only met one of our neighbors and she lives three houses down from us. And although I don't think I mean to, I've always felt a little superior to the other neighbors around us.

All of that changed this morning.

The hubs called about seven this morning and said he'd forgotten to feed the horses because he was running late, and would I mind running out and feeding them. I had just gotten out of the shower, so I was wearing pajama pants and an old fire school shirt of the hubs that had at least five holes in it, and had another old shirt wrapped around my head to dry my hair. Sexy, right? Since it was so early, I figured that our crackhead neighbors weren't up yet, so I'd just run out and feed really quick. Did I mention that I didn't have on a bra? 

I could tell that the wind was crazy wild outside, so i grabbed a cardigan out of the closet and ran out the door.

Oh, wait, I also pulled on cowboy boots and tucked my pajama pants into them. I'm so stylish.

After I'd been out there long enough to go into the shed, pour up the feed, and come back outside to grab the feed buckets, I got the feeling I was being watched. It was then that I realized that my crackhead neighbors were indeed awake, and were sitting on their back porch watching me. And they had guests.

I closed up the shed and ran back into the house as quickly as I could with my head down.

So much for feeling superior. I've spent the last half hour researching how to live my new white trash lifestyle. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be hanging out on my back porch with a Virginia Slim and a 40 oz while Baby Butterbean runs around in nothing but a diaper that's sagging down to her knees.

thank you apple

y'all, i'm an addict.

my drug of choice?

ibooks.

let me back up a bit here, up until last week, i had a second generation iphone, and, even though i hated it most of the time, i couldn't live without it. ever since i downloaded my first song from itunes, i was hooked. there were times when we'd fight, and i'd think of leaving my beloved iphone for a blackberry (gasp!), but i'd always end up realizing that i'd never leave my it, even though it wouldn't update or do a backup.

and then? out came the iphone 4.

and oh man, i was in love.

but, then there was a problem. the hubs was in dire need of a new phone. his old piece of crap was pretty much shot. and to make matters worse, he wanted my new object of affection. do y'all know what that means? we were going to have to spend $400 on phones. which is pretty much a joke since we have baby butterbean. do y'all know how much butt cream and formula i could buy with 400 bucks!?

so, i cuddled up with my beloved second generation iphone and cried myself to sleep.

skip forward to last thursday.

i was cruising the twit, when i saw someone that i follow had retweeted something about best buy giving away iphones!! and i was all, "crazy tweep say whaaa!?" so, i click the link and it takes me to this seedy little blog that's talking about best buy giving away the 8 gig 3gs for free if you're a new at&t customer or if you're eligible for an upgrade. now, mind you, it wasn't the squeaky new white 16 gig iphone 4 that i wanted, but it was better than what i had, and it was still an iphone! so, come friday morning the hubs and i were both sportin new phones.

  now, since i wasn't able to do an update on my last iphone for about the last year and a half, i knew *nothing* about ibooks. i was completely oblivious to this wonderful little thing. so when i signed into the app store and my new shiny toy asked "do you want to download ibooks for free now?" i was all, "hells yeah!" and then i heard my bank card screaming from my wallet.

in the last 4 days i've downloaded 7 books. 7, y'all. i'm not even finished reading the first one and i've already downloaded 6 more. i think we're gonna have a problem.

anyvajazzle, i'm reading bitter is the new black right now and lemme tell ya, you need to read it! like, now. like, go to your nearest library, book store, target, something and pick it up, now! it's genius. pure genius! 

ok lovahs, hope all of you are having a wonderful tuesday! go buy the book. and download ibooks if you've got an iphone. your credit card will hate it, but you will love it!

tis the season for valium and vodka

y'all tomorrow is december. i am not okay with this.

it may seem like i've been mia from the bloggy world, but i haven't. i've been stalking all of your blogs, just not leaving comments. i've been feeling very uninspired lately, and it's been effecting my blog, among other things.

i hate being in a funk. it messes with my emotions and causes me to have the mood swings of a ready-to-pop pregnant woman. and it's so much worse to be in a bad mood around the holidays.

i'm really trying to get into the holiday spirit, if only for baby butterbean's sake, but i just can't seem to shake this gloomy mood. as most of you know, the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death is quickly approaching, plus there are a few other things that are determined to crap on my holiday cheer parade. and, to top it all off, my teeny tiny little baby girl will be one in about 6 and a half weeks. i'm very close to losing my shit y'all.

so, i'm basically planning on wrapping myself in lights and garland, drinking hot chocolate and singing christmas carols until i'm filled with joy.

i'm going to try and pick up the slack on the blogging, and i'll make the effort to leave comments on all of your blogs!! i love all of you for sticking it out and putting up with my whining!! i hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving and hopefully you are all in a better mood than i am!

damn you truths

i just realized that i haven't finished the stupid thirty days of truth. i have terrible ocd, so as much as i'd like to abandon this chore, i cannot. so, i'm going to pull a becky and finished them all in one post. 

ready? k, here goes:

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

a girl named emily made my life hell in junior high. because i developed early and had 

boobs. but i won in the long run because i have gorgeous boobies and to this day she's still as flat as a 2 x 4. in yo face, ugly emily.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

my best friend molly. we were inseparable when we were in junior high and part of high school. then i started dating someone and made my life all about him and molly and i eventually stopped hanging out. we still talk occasionally, but not near as much as i'd like and we only see each other about once a year.  

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

my friend justin. our relationship is so complicated, and we really are toxic to one another. we just can't seem to stop being friends.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

my amazing wit. haha. no, seriously, most of the compliments i get are on my smile. it's radiant yo

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

my belching skills. people just don't appreciate how good i am.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

dear n'sync, you helped me get through those horrid early teens. thanks boys. love, me

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

dear big brother, you were supposed to be someone who i could look up to. instead, you just ended up sucking as a sibling. wish we could be closer. love, me

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

i could say something like baby butterbean, or the hubs, which would be true, but let's be honest, 

i can't go without my phone. i think i'd probably die.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

sodas. i went for about 6 months without them, and to tell you the truth, i wasn't as addicted to them as i thought i was. then for some reason i started drinking them again. maybe i'll quit again.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

to kill a mockingbird. period.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

why can't they get married? why shouldn't they have every legal right that straight folks have?

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

i'm a religious person, i believe in God, and i plan on raising baby butterbean as a christian. and that's pretty much all i have to say about that. i don't care what other people have to say about it, everyone has the right to believe whatever they feel like believing. i'm not going to shove my beliefs down your throat and no one else should either.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

drugs are bad, m'kay? alcohol is good if you're of age and are responsible about it. always have a designated driver. don't i sound like a mature adult?

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

is it a fight over something silly, like the jersey shore? if so, you can bet your ass that i'm shaggin it to the hospital to be with them. now, if it was major, like they harmed me or my family, then hell no, i'm at home with my feet propped up drinking my glass of sangria.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

i regret some things that i never did, but i don't regret anything i've done.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

i wish i had traveled more pre-marriage and pre-baby.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

i'm skipping this one. cause i'm a rebel. rules can't hold me down.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

apparently my number hasn't been called yet.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

i think everyone has thought about it once or twice, has it been to the point where i'd actually attempt it? no. my life has been pretty good for the last 25 years.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

i'm a mommy to a pretty awesome little girl.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

uh, well, seeing as how i have a child already, i'm pretty sure we all know the answer to this one.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

i'd like to be healthier. eat healthier and exercise more, because i want to set a good example for my daughter.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

dear self, you're purty awesome, keep up the good work. i love ya man. love, me

aaaaand, i'm done. phew. the truth is hard man. alright, now that i have that behind me, maybe i can get back to blogging about things that don't make my head hurt.

brown chicken brown cow

y'all are probably wondering where i've been all week. well, i'll tell ya. i've been nursing sore joints and writing a guest post for miss andy. it's about the sexy time, so it took me awhile to build up the courage to write it.

anyvajazzle, i grabbed life by the family jewels and jumped in head first, and wrote a post about the sexy time. and not sexy time with the hubs, sexy time with someone other than the hubs! scandalous, i know!! 

anyway, i'm over here today talking about sex and that jazz! so, head on over and check me out. unless you're my mom, and in that case, just click the 'x' up there in the corner and close out of this, pronto! 

sexy saturdays with andy. it's sexy, yo!

hope y'all have a great (and sexy!) weekend. hopefully i'll be back to my old bloggy self come monday and i can catch all of you up on my birthday adventures! 

she makes it worth it: day seven of the truths

day seven: someone who has made your life worth living for

for all of my truths go here

i could say that my daughter has made my life worth living, and yes, that is very true, we all know that. i could also say that my husband has made my life worth living, and we know that would also be very true. 

everyone knows that i love my little family more than anything. they are my inspiration, my reason for being.

but, what most of you don't know about me is that i have a sister. her name is charla and she has down syndrome. she means the world to me. she's the most beautiful and caring person that i have ever known. and she has made my life worth living for.

most people think that it would be a tragedy to have disabilities. charla doesn't know that she's any different than everyone else. she sees the world through permanent rose colored glasses, and she thinks that everyone else does also. she never meets a stranger and is kind to everyone. i only wish i could be like her.

we all complain about our daily lives. things that we must do, although we wish we didn't have to. we bitch about things that we either cannot change, or things that we're too lazy to change. most of us don't see the beauty in our every day lives, and we never have time to stop and smell the roses. we think that we have been dealt such a bad hand in life. but truth be told, most of us have far more blessings than others around us.

my sister has brought many good things into my life. she's taught me to slow down, to take the time to see the wonders around me. she's taught me to dance crazy, even though people are staring. she's taught me to find the bliss in the simple things. she's taught me to always have dessert with your dinner. she's taught me to be a better person.

i don't look at charla as having disabilities, as other people may. after seeing the world through her eyes, i've come to realize that we're the ones with the disabilities.

Charla and I (yes, this is my personal debut on my blog, don't hate, it's a bad pic!)

we all know that october is breast cancer awareness month, but it's also down syndrome awareness and acceptance month. this sunday i will be participating in what's called a buddy walk to benefit down syndrome awareness. i hope that one day, everyone will be as blessed as i am to know someone as beautiful as my sister. 

if you'd like more information on getting involved with the national down syndrome society, you find visit there website here

mother may i never: day six

day six: something you hope you never have to do

for all of my truths go here

who came up with these prompts? was it their intention to make the blogger scratch their head a million times wondering "hmmm, how can i answer this one?" because if so, mission accomplished asshats!

ok, lemme see.... something that i hope i never have to do....


ok, this is completely 100% unrealistic, but, i hope that i never have to mend a broken heart for my daughter.

i know that she will grow up, and realize that the world can be a rough place. she will get hurt many times. by friends, by boys, by family, even by complete strangers. and i know i will be there for her to lean on. but, as unrealistic as it is, i really hope this never happens. i've felt the pain of a broken heart before, and i hope that she never has to go through that. i hope that her heart will never have the scars that mine has. i hope that she will never know what it's like to have a best friend stab you in the back, or what it's like to be stood up, or what it's like to be made fun of.

i hope i never see her eyes filled with tears of hurt or worry, only tears of joy.

what do you hope you never have to do in life?

on the fifth day of truths

day five: something you hope to do in your life

for all of my truths go here

there are tons of things i want to do in life. i really don't feel like i've lived yet.

i want to travel. a lot. like, fill up my passport kind of traveling. i want to visit new york and stay for more than a month. i want to ride horses in wyoming. i want to surf in australia. 

i want to weed out all of the unhealthy things i put into my body. i want to start eating more fresh foods and less prepackaged processed foods. i want to lower my cholesterol. i want to get down to, and maintain a healthy weight. i want to teach my daughter the importance of being healthy by being an example of what healthy looks like.

i want to define myself. and then reinvent myself. and then do it again. i want to find my style.

i want to be comfortable in my skin. 

i want to raise my daughter to be a beautiful person, both inside and out. i want to teach her to be caring and compassionate. to see the beauty in every day life. to believe in miracles and the power of prayer. to love unconditionally.

i feel like all of these are possible. i can do each and every one of these things.

but, the one thing i hope to do, and wonder if i will, is make a difference. i don't care how i do it, but i can't help but feel like part of my purpose here in this world is to make a difference. the reason that i wonder if it's possible is because i haven't the slightest clue how i plan on doing this. but, i'm only a quarter of a way through my life, i think i've got plenty of time to figure this one out.

what about y'all? what's the ultimate thing on your bucket list?

the truths: day four

day four: something you have to forgive someone for

i have to be truthful, i sat for a long time in front of the computer trying to think of someone that i needed to forgive. i thought of ex boyfriends, ex friends, and even family members. and finally it hit me. i needed to forgive my grandfather. and then i cried. 

i cried because my grandfather died last year, and i still have so much anger built up toward him.

before his funeral, my cousins and i were going through old photos and pulling out certain ones to put into a slide show. we wanted to make sure and include the pictures of him and his children, as well as him and his grandchildren and great grandchildren. it broke my heart when i realized that there wasn't a single picture of he and i. i couldn't remember ever having a good relationship with him, and this made me realize that i was right. i feel that for some reason, he didn't see me as his granddaughter, for some reason, he didn't love me. this feeling had always sat in the back of my mind, but i'd never wanted to accept it as the truth. 

when i found out that i was pregnant with baby butterbean, i thought that maybe she was the key to building a better relationship with him. but, he never got to meet her. he died 24 days before she was born. three days shy of christmas. 

i was so angry with him. i felt like he just gave up. i expected him to fight for life, to hold on just a bit longer. all of my family was heartbroken, my grandmother especially, and i felt that it was his fault. i also felt, that in some way, this was a stab at me. that maybe, in truth, he never wanted to meet baby butterbean. i know that is crazy, but i couldn't help it. i fully believe that the course our lives take is already determined, but for some reason, i felt that my grandfather could have prevented his death. 

since his death, i've prayed many times asking God why he chose that time to take my grandfather from us. the only thing that i think of is that maybe my grandfather needed to be somewhere where he could watch over baby butterbean and keep her from harms way. that maybe he is her guardian angel.

i wish that before he died i could have told him that i loved him, even though he didn't think i did. i wish i could have had just one last talk with him. 

but since i can't talk to him face to face, i have to pray that somewhere, somehow, he can hear me.

Pa,

i love and miss you very much. life just isn't the same without you here. it's almost time to put up the christmas decorations, and i know that it's going to be hard to do it without you around. i know how much you loved this time of year. i wish we could have had a better relationship. i wish that i knew if i ever made you proud. that's all i ever wanted to do.

thanks for watching over your great granddaughter. i'm sure that you know that she has your bright blue eyes. i tell her stories about you almost every day.

i forgive you Pa, and i hope that if i ever disappointed you, that you can forgive me too.

forgiving myself: day three of the truths

day three: something you have to forgive yourself for 

for all of my truths go here

i really hope that i don't have this much trouble with all of these prompts. i spent all weekend trying to find something that i need to forgive myself for. for the most part, i like to think that i don't regret any decision that i've made in the 25 years i've been on this earth. i've tried my best to be a good person, to treat others with respect and kindness, to be compassionate, to care for animals, to stick up for those who needed it. pretty much live the way a person should. 

but there is one thing that i've always had trouble letting go of. something i've held against myself for 6 years. mom, if you're reading, now's the time to stop. otherwise you're going to cry.

now, this may sound silly, as most of my these things do to others, but it really has eaten away at me since it happened.

when i was a sophomore in high school i got a puppy from a friend. he was tiny and cute. he was black and white, and sort of terrier looking. i named him cooder. yes, i'm a redneck. anyvajazzle, i loved him very much. after high school i moved to a little town about 30 minutes away because i was dating someone from there. that was a stupid decision on it's own, seeing as how we dated for only a month before i decided to move there, but that's a whole other story. after i'd been in this new town for a little while, i decided for certain reasons, that i needed to go get my dog. so, i went and picked him up from my mother's house, and he moved with me. i took him everywhere with me. he slept in the bed with me and he went to work with me. this lasted for a few weeks. then, one night, the douche that i was dating said he wanted to actually go out somewhere as a couple, and i knew i couldn't leave cooder in the house on his own. i let him outside when we left. when we came home he was gone. the guy later found him down the road. he'd been run over. he was headed in the direction that we'd left in. i still wonder what cooder was thinking. did he think i had abandoned him? was he coming to find me? i can't help but think about how scared he must have been. how alone he felt, and what it was like to be running down the highway after the person that he wanted to be with the most. i feel like i let him down. and i know that it hurt my mother badly. i didn't know at the time how much she loved him. i still think today that she holds this against me a little bit. i think that simple incident shaped who i've become today. 

i hate thinking about what happened that night. even now, six years later, i'm crying as i write this. i can't promise that i'm going to forgive myself for this, but i can say that i'm going to work on it, right?

are you holding on to something? what do you need to forgive yourself for?

day two of the truths

day two: something you love about yourself

once again, the answer to this depends on whether we're talking physically or behaviorally.

physically? i love my smile. i'm not one to give someone a fake smile, so if you see me smile, you know it's genuine. 

behaviorally, i love that i am all about doing things my own way. when it comes to doing something, i normally research the best ways to do it, and then come up with something all on my own by combining two or three different strategies. if that doesn't work, i go back to square one and start over. now, don't get me wrong, i know when to eventually ask for help, but i love the satisfaction of coming up with a solution all on my own.

so, what do you love about yourself? 

you can't handle the truth

as you can tell, i haven't had anything to blog about lately. wait, scratch that, i've probably had things to blog about, there have just been other things keeping me from blogging. no, not like kidnappers. no, i didn't get a job, or anything like that. just things. quit pressuring me to tell you! gawd! 

anyvajazzle, i saw on the twit that becky was doing this 30 days of truth meme, and after googling it, i decided to give it a try. it gives me something to blog about, and it seems kind of fun! plus, if you know anything about me, you know that i'm always trying to fit in with the cool people. ok, so, on to the list!! (you can skip down to the bottom if you wanna get straight to my first truth!)

30 days of truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

alright, day 1: something i hate about myself

i guess the answer to this depends on if we're talking about something physical or behavioral. if we're talking physical, then the one thing i hate the most are the scars from my knee surgery. now, i've got a lot of scars. i was quite the tomboy growing up, plus i've got scars from my gallbladder surgery and my c-section scar, but i am quite proud of all of those. they help tell my life story, they make me unique. but, the scars that i have on my knee are absolutely horrid. they're ugly, they make my knee look funny, and they're *huge*! i don't wear anything that falls above the knee because i'm so self conscience about them. i know i should look at them the same way i look at my other scars, but i just can see them in the same light. now, if we're talking about something behavioral, then i have to say that i hate that i don't have more really good friends. i know lots of people, but i can count the number of good friends that i have on one hand. i know you consider quality ov er quantity, but i'd really like to have both! 

alright, there's your first truth. now tell me, what's something that you hate about yourself?

ain't no follow back girl

let's talk about interwebs etiquette, shall we?

we all know that it's polite to follow the people who follow you, right? whether it's on your blog or your twitter, it's just the right thing to do, right?

but what if you don't necessarily want to follow a certain person? maybe you don't have an interest in their certain type of blog or maybe they don't have any original tweets (meaning all they do is retweet things), so you just don't want to follow them? it's nothing personal, you just don't want to.

why is this a bad thing? no offense to anyone, but if i don't like what someone has to say, i don't read it. for instance, there are some fashion blogs that i love, and there are some that i don't, should i follow ones that i don't like just because they (hypothetically) follow me? should i follow someone on twitter, even if i don't like reading their tweets, just because they follow me?

now, don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here, and just because i don't follow you now doesn't mean that i don't want to, i'm just not the greatest at following people back in a timely fashion. i'm a busy girl dammit. anyvajazzle, i follow a lot of people on twitter, and i follow quite a few blogs, but not all of them follow me back. and sometimes, i'll @ the one's that do follow me back, and i don't get a reply. that, to me, is worse that them not following me back! why follow someone if you're not going to interact with them? unless, of course, it's a celeb or magazine, that i can understand. 

this is my solution, enough with the politeness, just follow the one's that you find interesting and original. and, if someone doesn't put you in their category of interesting and original, just shake it off. you aren't their cup of tea, but there are plenty of others who love what you have to say!

pee ess: there's a surprise going on over here tomorrow, so definitely come see what it is!!