Seven Years

Seven years ago I woke up at 5 in the morning with a million butterflies in my stomach. "Today's the day," I thought. It was a big day for me. I was both equally nervous and excited. In 9 hours I would walk down the aisle and marry my best friend.

Let me back up here. B and I had been engaged a total of 5 months. In fact, just 4 days shy of 5 months. We'd only been together for 11 months. We had quite the whirlwind romance. When we had first started planning our wedding, we knew we didn't want a long engagement, so we had set a date for September. Then, as we planned, things started to get out of control. Our small, intimate, less than 100 guests wedding, turned into a 300+ guest circus. People we didn't even know were being invited. Friends of the family who we'd only met once as a kid, distant family we hadn't seen in years. We had to choose a different location because our guest list had grown so much.

One night B and I were talking about our future, and how out of hand our wedding plans had gotten. I wish I could tell how it happened, but it was such a blur, I don't really remember. We decided, on a whim, to somewhat elope the following Saturday and then move the next day from Texas to Alabama. Don't ask me why Alabama, I really don't know. So, we called our immediate family, told them we were getting married the next weekend, and to be there or be square. And with that, I walked down the aisle on Saturday, June 24, 2006 and said I do to the love of my life, with a total of 14 guests in attendance.

Seven years have passed since then. I look back and think about how we were just kids. So young and hopeful for our lives together. We had no plans, just a love for each other. So much has happened in the last seven years. We've moved all around (back and forth to Alabama twice!), we've changed jobs, we've fought like crazy and made up, we've had a beautiful daughter, and we've loved each other like crazy. I look back at that day and it's hard to recognize that 20 year old girl with the million butterflies in her stomach. I've changed and grown so much. And so has B, he's become a wonderful man, husband, and father. Through everything that we've gone through in the last seven years, I wouldn't change a thing, otherwise we wouldn't be us.

B, I love you so much. You've helped me become the woman I am today, and I don't know what I'd do without you. You're such an amazing husband, and an even more amazing father. M and I couldn't ask for better. Thanks for putting up with me this long! LOL Here's to seven more years of me and you, babe, and many more after that.

Three Years

Dear Darling,

Today you turn three.

This is so exciting, yet so very, very sad for me. You're no longer my teeny baby. You don't fit in my arms anymore, and you've grown into this independent girl who doesn't need my help for very many things. You're growing so fast, and you're so incredibly smart. You're kind, you're polite, and you're insanely funny.

I love it when you randomly break into song, and I love even more that you're constantly dancing. You love music so much. You love your animals, and reading, and making art, and cuddling your babies. You can use an iPhone better than most adults, and your fearlessness amazes (and frightens) me.

Before long there will be no trace of my baby left. You're getting taller and turning into such a big girl. You've always been beautiful, but you get more beautiful with each passing day. And it's not just your physical beauty that grows, but your inner beauty as well. You have the kindest, sweetest heart I've ever seen. Want to know a secret? I strive to be like you every day. I strive to see the good in everyone as you do. You are my inspiration m'dear.

But baby, please don't grow up too fast. Please let me cherish these days with you and soak up every little drop. When I ask for a hug, please squeeze me tight and don't push away too quickly. Please keep cuddling in my lap when you need a little love. Please keep needing me a little bit longer. Let me hold on a bit longer. Because soon, you will be turning 16, then going off to college, then getting married and welcoming a baby of your own. And I will look back on these days with a whole lot of love, but a bit of sadness as well. I'll remember walking hand in hand with you. I'll remember you asking to sit my lap. I'll remember you asking "Why" a million times an hour. And I'll miss it so very much. And even though I'll love seeing you all grown up, I'll want to be able to come back to these times.

Today I'm remembering my day three years ago. I'm remembering holding you for the first time and being completely amazed by you. I'm remembering being so overcome with love that I couldn't breathe. And even though I love seeing you at three, I'm wanting to be able to go back to that day. Just so I can relive every single minute with you.

I love you, my darling, more than life itself. You are my everything, and Daddy and I are so very, very blessed to have you in our lives. I hope you will remember that forever and always.

Je t'aime beaucoup ma petit chérie.

Love,

Momma

Surviving the Storm

I'm a little late in writing this, but I've been so swamped, I haven't had a chance to sit down and sort my thoughts.
Last Thursday, a tornado ripped through my tiny town. There was no warning, no tornado watch, the fire department didn't even have time to sound the emergency siren. We had been having bad weather all day, but there was no indication that a tornado was going to hit. It derailed a train, and destroyed our town's baseball and football fields. There are trees uprooted and huge branches scattered everywhere. I've seen much worse damage, but it's still devastating.
I wasn't scared at the time, simply because I wasn't 100% sure what was happening, but afterward, once it was confirmed, and we saw the destruction, I lost it. M's daycare was hit pretty hard, and I'm still having a hard time with the fact that she could have been there if I would have had to work that day. Her teacher, and a couple of other kids were there, though thankfully they are alright. No one was seriously injured, so we are all very, very blessed.
What amazes me the most, is the way our town has come together, and how everyone is refusing to let this affect them. Everyone is helping each other clean up debris, and pretty much the whole town came out Saturday night to our annual German festival, despite the fact that our streets are still lined with huge branches.
I've never had much pride in where I live, but I have to say, that's changing. I'm proud of the way we've all come together, and how we're all helping each other out. I hope we never have to go through that again, but I know that if we do, our town will come together, once again, and be there for each other. And if the tornado has taught me anything, it's that I'm very blessed. I held M way too much yesterday, but I couldn't help it, I was celebrating my third Mother's Day, and I realized that could be taken away from me at any moment. So, I'm begging y'all, hug your loved ones extra tight, and be thankful for your blessings, because you never know how long you'll have them for.

On Life With a Toddler

Y'all? Two year olds are fun. And tiring. And dramatic. But, mostly fun.
Back in January, when M turned two, I had a bit of a breakdown. How could my teeny tiny baby have grown up so fast!? It's like she's practically an adult!! I cried for two days straight and may or may not have drowned my sorrows in a pint or two of Blue Bell. And then I was all, "buck up, J, and make the best of it!"
So, I changed my snot and tear stained shirt (ew) and went to play with my teenager two year old.
And, y'all? I realized that this stage is awesome!
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my child doesn't suffer from the terrible twos every now and then, because, whoa, Nelly, believe me, girlfriend can throw a fit! I mean, full out, "fall on the floor, scream your lungs out, and spin your head around" kind of fit.
But, then she makes up for it with snuggles and cuteness. And funnies. Oh, man, is she a funny one!! Her personality is getting greater by the day, and it's so exciting to watch her learn and grow, and become her own little person. From potty training to learning how to ride her tricycle (she rocked both of those!), her little brain is just absorbing so much information. And it all amazes her so much. My heart swells with pride and excitement every time she sees something new. Her little eyes open as wide as saucers, and she lets out a tiny "Wooooowwww!" I never knew I'd be so in love with motherhood. I mean, I knew I'd love it, but I never knew this was secretly was I was meant to do with my life. She is, and always will be my greatest accomplishment.
OK, enough with the sappies, let me share with y'all some of my favorite M things and sayings.
Lately she's picked up this thing where she walks up to me whenever she's leaving the room, and says, "Be back, mommy, ok?" and she puts her little finger up like she's telling me one minute, and her voice gets a little higher when she says "ok". And then I giggle and die from cuteness.
She's also picked up a bit of an attitude. For instance, I'll ask her to put her toys away, and she does the "oooookaaaaaay" and does her version of rolling her eyes. Or she says "Whateverrrrrr, man". Not sure where she got that one. Or the one where she says "Oh, gawwwd" whenever she's annoyed. Full out thirteen year old sass, y'all. And I can't help but find it adorable.
Then there's Drill Sergeant M. She comes around whenever we take the dogs out in the yard. There's no chance of our dogs getting too close to the road, because little miss thang stands in the middle of the yard with her hands on her hips and yells, "Nonie Bug, get o'er here, NOOOOOW!" Or, "Ixie, 'ere are you!?" which translates to "Dixie, where are you!?"
And, finally, there's Rock Star M. She comes around at least once a day, and brings Rock Star Elmo with her. They set up their instruments in the living room and play a free show for us locals, complete with drums, a microphone, and a tambourine. And she throws in a little "Rock and roll, babeh!" at the end of every show.
There is never a dull day in our house. Even on days when she's sick, she still keeps a smile on her face and radiates happiness. My life is so much greater with her in it. I can actually say my life is complete. And, I've come to realize, that no matter how big she gets, no matter her age, she'll always be my little girl.

Must Be Doing Something Right

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL

By Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage

exiles from delight

live coiled in shells of loneliness

until love leaves its high holy temple

and comes into our sight

to liberate us into life.

Love arrives

and in its train come ecstasies

old memories of pleasure

ancient histories of pain.

Yet if we are bold,

love strikes away the chains of fear

from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity

In the flush of love's light

we dare be brave

And suddenly we see

that love costs all we are

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love

which sets us free.

 

Five years ago, on a hot June morning, I married my best friend. Five years ago today.

 

In five short years we've experienced so many things. We've moved around like nomads, traveled as much as we could, fought like cats and dogs, loved harder with every day, cried many tears and laughed so much our bellies hurt. We've lost loved ones and gained a beautiful daughter. We've built a wonderful life together.

 

There were some people who said we wouldn't last. I was all of 20 years old, and we hadn't even been together a full year. But we knew we were meant to be together. I remember that morning as though it was yesterday. I remember the butterflies in my stomach, and I remember the tears of joy that ran down my cheeks. I remember looking into my husband's eyes at the end of the ceremony and seeing nothing but love looking back at me.

He's been a wonderful husband. He's cared for me when I've been sick, he's held me when I've been sad, and he's busted his back to give us a good life. Not to mention, he's the best father in the world. Our little girl simply adores her daddy.

There isn't anything I'd change about the last five years. I love my life that I've made with the man I married 5 years ago.

I love you, B. Happy Anniversary.

Mommy Moments

Happy Monday Lovers!

I'm a little late to the game, but I'm so excited to be hosting the May Mom Blog Tour today!

Basically, instead of celebrating moms for just one day this month, we're celebrating them all month long with a blog tour! There are some really amazing bloggers on this thing, so be sure and follow along. I'll include the link to tomorrow's featured blogger at the end of my post.

Now, we were supposed to write about something "mom related". I tossed around a few ideas for awhile, but settled on writing about my favorite memory from my last 16 months of being a mommy. And then I ran into my writer's block. Mostly because I couldn't pin point my favorite memory. There are far too many to count.

There are also the struggles I faced before I got pregnant. My husband and I tried for a long time, and had almost thrown in the towel.  They were so hard to go through at the time, but I look back now and realize that life turned out the way it was supposed to. All of that time that we tried and failed prepared us for what was coming. It made us so much more thankful when the test came back positive. It reminded me to be thankful when I found myself with my head in the toilet thanks to the never ending morning sickness. It made me completely hysterical with joy the first time I felt my baby kick. And it made my heart break whenever I heard a story about a woman who wasn't able to conceive.

Then came that January day. The day that my world changed. I welcomed my teeny tiny beautiful baby girl into the world. I knew I was ready. Her first cry, the first time she looked at me with her big blue eyes, the first time she wrapped her hand around my finger. This was my reason for living. She was my world.

Then came the "Ohmygah, I've got a baby, what am I supposed to do with this thing!?" phase. Thankfully, that didn't last long. She started sleeping through the night very quickly, and we settled into a pretty comfortable routine. There were a few rough patches, like the time she rolled off of the bed, or the time that I thought she suffocated. But, for the most part, the last 16 months have been a blast.

We've taken trips, spent a lot of time with relatives, and built a wonderful little family. And we've looked so stylish while doing it.

We've celebrated holidays.



We've played in the water.

We've been to zoos.



We had a birthday party.

We've eaten cake.

We've seen cute boys.

We've played at the park.

We've played with chickens.

And we've eaten lots of chocolate.

Bottom line, there isn't one part of motherhood that has been my favorite. It's everything all wrapped together. It's been the wildest ride of my life, and it's only just beginning. And the best part? I wouldn't change it for the world. Cause this girl:

is what makes it all worth while.

Now, be sure and check out The Truthful Mommy tomorrow for her May Mom Blog Tour post!

More Thankful Than Ever

Sorry this is so long, but I think it's worth the read.

I like to think that I don't overreact very often. Sure, I can be a little melodramatic at times, but I try to keep my drama queen side in check. I also don't scare easily. Unless we're talking about watching horror movies by myself. Then I'm a big ol' baby.

Anyvajazzle, the point of telling y'all this is to make you understand a point. I don't exaggerate and I'm not easily spooked, so when I say something along the lines of "my life was threatened and I was scared to death" you can pretty much bet I'm being completely serious.

Let me set the stage. Early Saturday afternoon, Baby Butterbean and I loaded up in the car to drive the hour over to my mom's house. The road between our two towns is a small two lane road, what we here in Texas call an "FM road," or a "farm to market" road. It's basically a paved back country road. It's pretty peaceful and has amazing views. I go to see my mom at least once a week, so I drive the road at least 200+ times a year. I've never been scared to drive it alone, and most of the time, it's just the Babe and I. Saturday was no different. She stayed awake and sang and talked to herself for about half of the drive. Then, fell asleep, as she normally does. About 20 miles from my mom's house, there is a tiny town with a four way stop. When I came to the four way there were a couple of cars in front of me that turned and went in another direction, which put me behind a small sedan. Once we got outside of town, where the speed limit picks up, I noticed that they weren't speeding up. So, I got a little closer and waited for a chance to pass them. Now, mind you, I'm not a reckless driver, especially not when my daughter is in the car, so I was not tailgating this car at all. After a minute or two, I realized that there were 4 men in the car, and the two in the backseat were staring at me.

Let me pause for the cause for a minute and explain these "men". I've stated here before that I'm a bail bondsman. I've bailed guys out of jail that were clean cut good guys. But most of them are not. They're losers, bullies, thugs. And these men in this car would fit in with the majority of the people that I bail out. Are ya picking up what I'm putting down here?

Anygangsta, back to my story. I realized that the men in the backseat were staring at me. And then, one of them picked something up, showed it to me, and then waved it around. It took me a second to realize he was waving nunchucks. And then they started slowing down. Slower, and slower, and slower. I started to think that they wanted me to pass them, which I knew wasn't a good idea, since that would give them control and possibly put me in a situation to be chased. Finally, after 5 or so miles, the one who had waved the nunchucks started rummaging around in the floorboard. This is where I really started to get scared. There have been plenty of stories where enraged drivers have shot other people, so it's not like it's impossible.

Thankfully, by this point, I was only about half of a mile from a back road that cut over to my dad's place. I started slowing down even more to put plenty of distance between us. They continued to slow down with me. When I got to the turn off, we were only going about 15 MPH. I waited until the last minute, took the turn, sped up, and watched them drive off. I was in the clear.

Then, a minute later, I glanced in my rear view, and there they were. Speeding up behind me. At this point my flight response set in and I floored it. I managed to call my husband and have him call my dad and tell him to open there gate. You normally have to punch in the code on the outside, but thankfully they were at home and could call up to the front gate from their house. I was driving faster and faster, and by the time I reached their property line, the car was almost on my bumper, and we were going 100+ MPH. I knew I wouldn't make it to their gate. I knew that the gate would be open on the back entrance of their place, and I knew that if I put enough distance between the car and us, I would be able to get into the driveway and get to a valley in the front pasture where they wouldn't see me. I stepped on it and shot off. I made it to the back entrance and into the driveway. I'm really not sure how I managed to not flip my car. As I came to a stop I could see the car speed past my dad's place. I knew they hadn't seen me turn in. So, I turned and drove through the pasture and the woods and came up on the backside of my dad's house. By the time I made it to his house, I was in hysterics. Every scenario that could have happened played out in my head. The worst part was that I realized that they could have hurt my daughter. I ended up getting an escort into town, and made it to my mom's safe and sound. Thankfull Baby Butterbean slept through almost the whole thing. She woke up when we were bouncing through the pasture.

All day I kept an eye out for the car. Even though I was with my mom, I was terrified that they'd see me somewhere in town and they'd succeed in hurting one of us.

That was two days ago, and I'm still shaken up. I wasn't able to drive back down that road by myself. My body is still sore from being so tense that whole time. I've cried myself to sleep for the past two nights. I've never ever been scared for my life, simply because I knew that if it was my time to go, there wasn't anything I could do about it. But when you add my baby into the equation, everything changes. She is my everything. I live and breathe for her. I'd do anything to keep her out of harm's way. So when there was a brief thought in my mind that her life might have been in jeopardy, I couldn't handle it. I managed to stay calm enough to get us out of the situation, but I lost it afterward. Needless to say, I hugged her extra tight that night. I watched her run around yesterday and hunt Easter eggs with her cousins, and I thanked God for keeping her safe and for bringing her into my life. I'm not sure how I'd cope if she weren't with me. I am truly blessed.

The Chair

Just a head's up, I'm skipping this week's Fitness Friday post because I wanted to post this, and I'm not sure I've got time to do a second post. But! I'll be back next Friday with an all new check-in post. Hopefully with link ups to the rest of the Shred Crew!

While my mother was pregnant with me, she and my brother went to an estate sale. My brother, who was 5 at the time, and was apparently very excited about the upcoming arrival of his sister, found an old rocking chair at the sale that he insisted my mother buy. He said it was the perfect chair to rock his newborn baby sister in. It was solid wood, with scrolled arms. The cushions were a yellow and brown mix of tweed threads. Very... 70s-ish. But, my brother loved it, so my mom bought it.

For the next 18 years that rocking chair sat in our house. It never fit with our decor, but it was so comfy and held a special place in our hearts. Eventually we wore the straps on the seat out from sitting in it too much. When I graduated from high school, I moved off and never gave any thought to that old rocking chair.

Fast forward to about a year and a half ago. I was pregnant with Baby Butterbean and neck deep in designing her nursery. The old rocking chair was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I'd almost completely forgotten about it.

I knew I wanted her nursery to house special things, not just all brand new store bought furniture. Her crib was going to be new, but as for the other furniture, they were going to be things that I had when i was a kid, and a very close friend of the family was hand making her a cradle. Basically, I wanted everything in her room to have memories. To be meaningful. To tell a story.

When I finally came around to deciding on a rocker or a glider, I just couldn't pick one from the store. None of the new one's fit just right. Then my mom stepped in and said that she wanted the rocker to be a gift from her, so, I forgot all about it. Then came the day that Baby Butterbean arrived. We spent 6 days in the hospital, and by the final day, I was so ready to come home. When we got to the house, my mom was there waiting on us. Along with a surprise. She had taken that old, forgotten rocker, and had it restored. And it was beautiful. I rocked my baby to sleep that night in that old rocker. I spent many nights in that rocker the first couple of months. I was either rocking her, feeding her, or just watching her sleep. She was so tiny that she could lay in the rocker and not touch the sides.

Last night she woke up crying around 3. I got up and went in to her bedroom to see if I could soothe her back to sleep. I ended up rocking her for an hour in that chair. I thought back on all of those sleepless nights, and I found myself crying after a minute or two. Just in the past 15 months my little girl has grown so much. She can now climb into the chair all on her own, and when I rock her in that old chair, she sits up in my lap. It's a lot different than that first night.

I look at that old chair, and I'm overwhelmed by it's specialness. There is no telling how many memories that old thing holds. The countless nights that I spent rocking my baby in it, and that my mom spent rocking her baby in it, as well as the memories of the family who had it before she did. I look at everything in Baby Butterbean's nursery, and I see a story in every piece of furniture. Everything is special, just the way I wanted it. But the most special piece, the one with the greatest story, is that old rocking chair. That's the piece that I'm most proud of.

We Can Just Start Rolling the Clock Backwards, Right?

Friends, I am run ragged. My hair has lost it's sheen, my eyes are bloodshot, my hands are chapped, and I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode if this headache doesn't go away soon. In other words, I'm stressed. This party planning has gotten the best of me. And not because it's hard, because it's not, it's really a breeze. What's gotten to me the most is the emotional whirlwind that I've been in for the last few weeks.

I can feel an emotional breakdown right around the corner. Almost like it's teetering on the edge, and anything could push it over.

I cannot believe that I'm having such a hard time with my baby turning one. I knew it would tug on my heartstrings a bit, but I didn't think it would yank my heart right out of my chest.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's growing up. I'm so proud of how smart she is, and how she has the most bubbly personality that I've ever seen. She loves people and loves to make them smile and laugh. She has the biggest personality to be such a teeny tiny little girl. She makes me smile and laugh daily. I love the fact that she comes over to me just to curl up in my lap and hug me. She has made my life complete. But it kills me that she's not going to be my little baby anymore.

It seems like just last week that I was holding her in my arms for the first time. Or lying awake at three in the morning watching her sleep in the cradle next to me. I can clearly remember those hungry cries in the middle of the night. I remember her first smile, her first giggle, the first time she sat up and the first time she crawled. So many things have happened in the last year. 

I guess the reason that I'm so distraught over this is that it's all gone by too quickly. Soon I will begin to forget some of these details. Her sweet baby smell will disappear. She'll eventually stop cuddling with me. She'll soon be a young woman and will be too big for me to rock in my arms. 

I look forward to watching her grow and I know that my heart will swell with pride with each passing day. There will be new milestones to celebrate. There will be many more hugs and kisses. There will be many more smiles and giggles. And there will be many more tears.

I know that I'm so blessed to have such a happy, healthy and beautiful little girl. But, I'd give anything to slow down time. Or at least be able to go back to last year at this time and hold my brand new baby girl just one more time.

Where Has It All Gone?

I don't normally "do" sappy posts around here. I try to keep them light and funny and as tear-free as possible.

But as I thought about what I wanted to write about in my 2010 wrap-up post, I realized that I was getting emotional.

This year has completely changed my life. It has handed me ups and downs and kicked my ass every time I turned the corner.

This time last year I was very pregnant, and very sad. I had just lost my grandfather, and I wasn't sure how to handle that while I was nine months pregnant. His passing has made for a rough year. With each milestone that Baby Butterbean accomplished and each holiday that we celebrated, it broke my heart a little to know that Papa wasn't there to witness them. I missed him so much. But, as these things do, my heart lightened a little with each passing day. I came to believe that he was watching over Baby Butterbean, and beaming with pride every time she did something new. A couple of months ago, she began to talk more and babble less. She started to recognize and identify things by their name, or, in some cases, their made up name. She knew who momma was, and who daddy was, and who Gigi was. She knew who the cat was and who the dog was. She had even learned to point out the horse. We were playing in the floor one day when she looked up at me and said, "Papa." I asked her to repeat what she said, and again she said, "Papa." I like to believe that he was there with us that day, and that she knew it. I know that she couldn't ask for a better guardian angel than her Papa.

Papa and cousin Cason Thanksgiving 2009

But, 2010 wasn't a totally horrible year. Sure, I had to have emergency gallbladder surgery, despite not having insurance at the time. And the hubs was laid off, which led to me temporarily freaking out. And we had to move to Pundunk, TX and leave my beloved Austin behind. But, 2010 also gave me amazing friends. I met Baby Butterbean's Godmother of Badassness, Becky this year, as well as B, who has become one of my best friends. I also met some amazing local bloggers, as well as some insanely funny people on twitter. Like, Andy, Jen, and, my newest BFF, Julie. I had some of my favorite bloggers guest post for my birthday week, and I even got to guest post for other bloggers! 

2010 also gave my Bama boys a National Championship (Roll Tide!) and my Saints a Super Bowl win (Who Dat!?).

But, the best thing that 2010 gave me was my beautiful daughter. Baby Butterbean has changed my life in so many ways. I'm a different person than I was one year ago today. My views, beliefs and priorities have changed. Everything shifted when I heard her first tiny cry. When I held her in my arms and she looked at me for the first time, I knew that nothing would ever be the same. She became my life, right then and there.

My everything

The only bad thing is she has grown so fast. This year has flown by. One day she's my sweet baby girl, and then? The next thing you know, she's practically a toddler. It breaks my heart.

But as much as 2010 pushed against me, I pushed right back. I can honestly say I've grown more in this year than I ever have. I've learned more and experienced more than any year before. No matter how many bad cards 2010 handed me, it'll always be the best year ever.